So, I’ve spoken of reinventing myself, something everyone does. I think I’ve stumbled upon something new I’ve never considered, something I’ve always shoved aside and never followed, or listened to. Something we all call emotion. Well, I supposed I lied, I have listened, but very few times, and never on my own, there has always been some outside influence.
I’ve just realized, not, not even that, I think they’ve finally just emerged. I’ve been up all night, unable to sleep, having smoke breaks here and there, twiddling on the computer, trying to occupy my mind, but I think I’ve finally realized why I can’t sleep.
Earlier today I recieved an email from my Dad, nothing new, nothing out of the ordinary. I know you’re reading this, and I’m glad.
It came mid day, well that’s when I read it. It started out normal, a bit funnier than normal, but the end caught me.
I think I’ve come to realize that what I’ve longed for is some kind of recognition, and that isn’t even the correct word, I don’t know what word to use, semantics cannot over it, I suppose.
It was enough to bring a tear, possibly a few, to my eyes, and then to my cheeks, one simple line: “one helluva kid”.
At that moment I felt like some lost kid who has been running away from something, and that I have, in true retrospect. I’ve never let my parents see me, I’ve always just pretended to be a different person at home. Why? I don’t know, I was a teenager?
Over the past year, not even that, past few months, however, I have begun to open up, and decide to let them see who I am. I guess the reason I did this is I feared there wouldn’t be that “recognition”, I hate that word, it doesn’t fit, but words escape me now.
When I left for college, and even when I left after visiting on the weekend of the 4th, I had a harder time saying goodbye to my friends than my parents, Why? I didn’t know, but now I do. My friends knew who I was, and they showed some support, or awe at who I was. I never let my parents see that side, and I slowly have been, and seeing that single statement, I don’t know, I broke. Well, I didn’t break, I grew stronger, and I saw something I needed to fix.
I’ve put a facade on to my family so I can fit the guise of our family. My dad’s side is a God fearing family, well mostly, and my Mom’s side is that of the upper class, or was, partially, I don’t know. I never felt like I fit with my cousins on my mom’s side, and slowly the same repeated on my dad’s side, but I still tried to act the part. I tried to hide who I was, just to fit the norm of the family.
I’m sorry if I disappoint any family who may read this, I know my aunt stumbled upon it before, some Christmas ago, but I don’t fear God, I’ve lost faith. I don’t know if this is a surprise to you Dad, or Mom, whoever may be reading this at whichever time. My social beliefs stand me against the upper class, sorry uncle, you fit that glove. And cousins, I’m sorry,but I find you a disgrace and mostly failures.
It’s most likely rude to through this out on the internet, it should be kept within family doors, but I’m sick of hiding it. Like I said, emotions and such are difficult for me, I can’t handle this over a phone conversation with one of them, neither you Dad, or you Mom. I’ve held my tongue so many times at family affairs, and I’ve said so little to keep peace.
I used to despise that house on Majestic Hills Drive, but I somehow miss it now. I’m not totally sure how, when I visited “home”, it felt nothing like it, it felt bare and cold. But now it feels like it might be warm, and welcome when I return in a few days.
I guess I’ve run out of words, but not all quite yet.
Mom, Dad, I love you, and I’m very proud of how you’ve raised me, I feel like at many times I’ve been quite the rude brat to you, especially you Mom. I love you two, and I’m excited to come back. See you at Thanksgiving.
